Over the summer, my professor and mentor, Kathy McLean, asked me to play on her faculty recital in the fall. I was honored, excited, and beyond scared. I have been fortunate enough to play in side-by-side orchestras and chamber groups with professional bassoonists before, but this was the first time that I would be directly compared to someone who has made a living from playing the bassoon.
As we rehearsed, it was difficult for me to let go of my insecurities. I didn't want to play too loud or too bright, everything had to be perfectly in tune, and I was rivaling Spiderman in hypersensitivity. I was basically playing bassoon like really boring Spiderman.
After listening back to a recording of our rehearsal, I took a personal inventory of my playing. Am I in tune? Do I have a wide range of dynamics? Does sound come out of the instrument when I want it to? The answer to all of this is, who cares.
In order to even remotely match the level of Kathy, I had to change my mindset. Yesterday, I was Christina Feigel, bland-sounding doctoral student. Today, I'm world class. It all came down to believing I had the skills to sound like a professional bassoonist. In the recital, I used the bassoon to tell a narrative rather than make sound at the correct times. HOLY COW I'M MAKING MUSIC AND I SOUND GOOD WHAT'S GOING ON.
I felt like the video below really shows and explains how I felt during the entire experience on stage:
As we rehearsed, it was difficult for me to let go of my insecurities. I didn't want to play too loud or too bright, everything had to be perfectly in tune, and I was rivaling Spiderman in hypersensitivity. I was basically playing bassoon like really boring Spiderman.
After listening back to a recording of our rehearsal, I took a personal inventory of my playing. Am I in tune? Do I have a wide range of dynamics? Does sound come out of the instrument when I want it to? The answer to all of this is, who cares.
In order to even remotely match the level of Kathy, I had to change my mindset. Yesterday, I was Christina Feigel, bland-sounding doctoral student. Today, I'm world class. It all came down to believing I had the skills to sound like a professional bassoonist. In the recital, I used the bassoon to tell a narrative rather than make sound at the correct times. HOLY COW I'M MAKING MUSIC AND I SOUND GOOD WHAT'S GOING ON.
I felt like the video below really shows and explains how I felt during the entire experience on stage:
When Ellen asks the little girl, "Do you want to be a dancer when you grow up?," she responds with, "I AM a dancer!!" You may feel like a child trying to match the pros, but trust yourself and go for it. You don't want to be a musician when you grow up; be a musician now!
Above is the end product. Of course, I still made mistakes, but that's okay! I learned a great lesson from this experience (and from a three year old dancer) - just go for it. Leave careful practice in the practice room and perform like the professional that you are.
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